I somehow managed to poison myself yesterday and laid in bed nauseous from 8pm to 8am this morning. it was a glorious 12 hours during which I decided that I didn’t in fact want to have children at all ever even though my obsession lately has been studying childbirth, because there would be the possibility of nausea during the first trimester and I would rather go childless for a lifetime than experience that feeling for 3 months. (don’t worry I got over it). Today I got my reward for the fast - that feeling of being light and airy and calm from not eating, for at this point all food still seemed a disgusting thought and I wondered why I ever eat at all and maybe I should be like the skinny hippie vegan I admired at the coffee shop the other day when I was picking up a jasmine green tea…she seemed so simple and calm and free. after a pleasant day of not much consumption except lacroix and soup and some junk that was in the office i returned home from work and cleaned and rearranged in a silent meditative state because my landlord is coming tomorrow and noel is coming home in 2.5 weeks (yay!) i considered reading or writing or doing anything intelligent but instead found myself staring in the mirror contemplating the blackness of my pupil, and somehow in the deep blue planet of my iris i had a not-so-new revelation that the calm I was experiencing was actually my brain beginning to shut down and that I really had everything in common with the skinny hippie vegan girl I had so admired - we were both just FRICKING HUNGRY.