Meanwhile

I somehow managed to poison myself yesterday and laid in bed nauseous from 8pm to 8am this morning. it was a glorious 12 hours during which I decided that I didn’t in fact want to have children at all ever even though my obsession lately has been studying childbirth, because there would be the possibility of nausea during the first trimester and I would rather go childless for a lifetime than experience that feeling for 3 months. (don’t worry I got over it). Today I got my reward for the fast - that feeling of being light and airy and calm from not eating, for at this point all food still seemed a disgusting thought and I wondered why I ever eat at all and maybe I should be like the skinny hippie vegan I admired at the coffee shop the other day when I was picking up a jasmine green tea…she seemed so simple and calm and free. after a pleasant day of not much consumption except lacroix and soup and some junk that was in the office i returned home from work and cleaned and rearranged in a silent meditative state because my landlord is coming tomorrow and noel is coming home in 2.5 weeks (yay!) i considered reading or writing or doing anything intelligent but instead found myself staring in the mirror contemplating the blackness of my pupil, and somehow in the deep blue planet of my iris i had a not-so-new revelation that the calm I was experiencing was actually my brain beginning to shut down and that I really had everything in common with the skinny hippie vegan girl I had so admired - we were both just FRICKING HUNGRY.

hear me whisper

Time is understood in terms relative to the scope of the human mind.

My mind is back. It was sleeping, my heart sputtering. But now both are alive and flourishing. I am back and on my way. All things are possible. Be it from returning to school, love, caffeine, all three.

I know of what things are made of. How be healthy. How to feel free.  All this knowledge is out there. What a privilege, to be taught to fish rather than fed!

You who I might not know at all, I am going to let in and see. Because it’s my belief that if we did that more we’d find what we have in common at the core and we’d all be better off without all this privacy.

you have to wonder if there is an ideal balance of experience and reflection.

from summa cum laude to silent bohemian, i’ve swung from extreme to extreme but miraculously emerged from my formative years calm and centered and in love with the world. along the way i was somewhat compulsive about recording it all by way of random thoughts scribbled on every spare scrap of paper. today these survive in piles along with drawings, letters, journals, and notebooks filled to the brim. my biggest fear was that i would die and someone would have to sort through it all and wonder at my sanity. my second biggest fear was that it would all be for naught - either get lost or thrown out, leaving all those years of emotion and discovery wherever it goes for most people who forget what it’s like to grow up…

paying tribute to the girl who wanted to be sure of no regrets, here in these pages shall i archive the old alongside the new, creating closure while bounding off joyfully to my new life of love… indeed, in the spirit of carpe annum, existing in a constant state of departure while always arriving…

This is for the two new mama’s and babies in my life, and any new mama’s and babies in yours.